you don’t really know how parents grew up, also do not understand the relationship between the parents. You may have been trapped in their own think the family version of the story, and thus parents are deadlocked. But as an adult, you deserve to know more real, more complete story.
when I grow up, they are how to rebuild the relationship with their parents?
today will give you four story, they are in their own way in adulthood was attempted, redefining the relationship between themselves and their parents.
here’s today’s story:
& other; The change of the economic status, family power throughout the beginning of a relationship transform &;
OO, female, 27,
my mom’s life experience is more rough, let her from small to large, is particularly strong when young, did it management. I have never seen her mainly to divorce with my dad never cried noise; Life also must be a decent person, will abandon me wear too casual.
so, before the age of 18, she is overwhelmingly say. She and my father divorced, very early has been to help support me, but she insisted on eutrophic daughter, and wore all try to give me the best. She is also a comprehensive and strict with my, has been in command and & other; Abandon & throughout; My life. We have few real communication, more is her request, I meet the requirements.
after graduation from college I work in Beijing, is becoming more and more busy; And she gradually to retirement age, more and more at leisure. When she came to this strange city, Beijing has a lot of things in life are to rely on me. But she still want to arrange my life, urged me to marry and have children. Every time when it comes to this, we will end.
change fundamentally how did it happen? In retrospect, perhaps after a period of time and my life, she began to understand what I say & other Busy no time to fall in love & throughout; Exactly how busy; May be surrounded by a lot of cases of failed marriage, let her think marriage is not happiness, but may be the key still lies in the fact that I became home economic pillar.
I spend more money to her, she started in life relying more on me, I will take her to go shopping, buy clothes for her, help her to empty the shopping cart, also contracted for her to protect skin to taste (and) handwritten Chinese label, lucky money envelopes became I sent to her.
I also in to help her adjust to life in the elderly. At that time of just retired, consistent strength she had had a very difficult period, I encouraged her to change train of thought, not jobs can also enrich and wonderful. Later, she developed several hobbies, painting, mountain climbing, even learning the cello, usually also took an active part in the square dance, in the community around performance, establish a new social circle. More happily, she remarried after widening social circle, no longer put life focus completely on me.
is after her independence again, she began to really accept me can also be independent of it. Also after to know more about me, she began to trust me, believe I have enough ability can make the right decision for your life. She also realized that they no longer have the ability to & other; Tube & throughout; My career and marriage.
sometimes, she and my stepfather make antinomy will be calling to ask for my advice. I also feel very happy, when I was a child looked at her only quarrel with my father a divorce, but now I can help to adjust the new family relationships. Sometimes, I lament don’t have a boyfriend at home, she should take the initiative to comfort me: & other; Impossible to everything, struggle career to 30 years old to marry again. Now science and technology developed, really not line can also be frozen eggs? Throughout the &;
I think now, in a family, or any human relationship, there must be a power relationship, who is often the economic pillar, who is the man they hold. But no matter who, power of people can’t abuse the power, is another more intervention, maintain the state of independence, this may is the premise of maintaining relationship.
& other; We always put them as parents to demand, but forget their own want to be what kind of person & throughout;
adon, male, 29 years old
I used to think, to flee I don’t like part of the family, with parents on the surface of the peace, is completely enough for me. Later I found out, to understand their parents exactly is what kind of person, they remove & other; Parents & throughout; How this identity to live in this world, is a person truly mature process to avoid the proposition.
alienated my relationship with my parents since childhood, I was born in the countryside, wanzhou as long-distance drivers from remember father, mother to take care of the farm work in the home, recall the childhood and adolescence, alienation to almost no conflict with parents, more important reason is that most of their energy is spent on quarrel with each other. They are of little help in my school, I am also a quieter than the child.
I in my parents as a child big, early after grandpa’s death, I live alone in my home, back to his home to eat during the day, his grandfather home to sleep every night, before the days until the university entrance exam. Now think about, I have been to & other; Learning environment better & throughout; Lived alone in the house, grandpa, on the grounds that he is trying to escape the arguments and home environment.
at that time I couldn’t understand why they always endless quarrel, do not have any substantial communication with them, just feel near a quarrel with comfortable atmosphere. Although and his home only to have less than 100 meters distance, grandpa home but it can make me feel like the most & other Quiet & throughout; .
I have been and they stand on opposite sides of the distance to each other, until when I was a graduate student, the situation has changed. At the time the contradiction of parents is very fierce, mother is unbearable, so we have to try to make a phone call to my cry, in the description of her, I know the father’s two years began to rich in hand, alcohol intensified, has seriously affected their normal life. Mother complain constantly looking for me, I also began to feel powerless, then, for the first time in my life, needs and communicate a real father.
for a long time for me to overcome psychological barriers, called to his father. In traditional patriarchal family in China, we never like two adult men were equal exchange, I still remember the atmosphere of the dialogue is very delicate, my father and I have felt the to the identity of a young adults in the family business, and this kind of situation will be more and more.
is probably from then on, my age and maturity makes me pay more attention to the family. I started to really think about, why do they quarrel, their growth environment, by education, their own personality and experience, in which influence the relationship between the two.
I began vaguely understood, even if I really involved in the family communication, also won’t have fundamentally improve their quarrel. Constantly quarrel quarrel, good, again cycle is the norm of their lives, they constitute a & other; Ecological & throughout; Only understanding and communication, as children, actually is unable to change, also have no power to change them.
and then I found that adult we always want to change them, but this & other; Change throughout the &; Is always based on how they should parents, rather than how the people themselves.
last summer, my parents again contradiction, father want to do business with savings alone outside, mother does not agree, cited reasons seem quite enough. Thought that father was determined, the mother panic, to persuade my father called me home. Father think we unite to marginalize him, until the day I left home still anger with me.
so when my father sent me to the railway station, I try to ease anger of atmosphere, explain risk unceasingly, emphasize our home now also do not need to earn the money & hellip; & hellip; Father was silent for a long time suddenly said: & other; I am not to home, I am for myself. Throughout the &; At that moment I seem to really understand, and do the father, the 19-year-old to more than 40 years old son always envied men traveled outside, what on earth are living in what, and what kind of expectations of life.
but I did not understand his wish, then take it for granted that he was doing all this is for the sake of family, justly with household demand to restrain, his personal freedom. At that moment, he is just a want of his desire an average man.
we always called on parents to the young & other; To let go & throughout; And don’t intend to bind with oneself or family children, to understand children’s life choices. But on the other hand, parents are, what they want to be, we tend to be easily ignored.
& other; We don’t have to spend a lifetime, has done it thanks and apologize & throughout;
Li Zeyan lady, female, 29,
since I can remember, my mother is a controlling person, want to impose their own ideas and preferences on me, let me to live with her thoughts. She did some at the time of the cool me too much things in particular, such as forced intervention my puppy love for several times, and also my boyfriend’s mother accused me of interference and her boyfriend each other; Carry me to find my friend, let them not to play with me, don’t affect my study, and so on.
this let me lost all my friends at the time, high school a few years had a particularly lonely, every day feel life is gray, as if in an immense black hole can’t walk out. There is a whole year time, in addition to school every day is locked into the door, don’t talk to anyone, will also hear voices, self-harm. I think mom was believed to have caused all this, to fight against her, I deliberately gave up learning, sleeping in class, reading novels, grades plummeted, even want to go to a vocational school, in order to damage have been hoping to tsinghua Beijing university on my mother.
a incident happened in senior 3, is the start of our relationship change, is my hair a little suicide. Because of his small study is very poor and often beat and scold mother, but his mother loves him, beat him and hope he is good, but the way of the beating caused irreparable consequences.
his death, to my mother and I had a great touch. She saw her parents treat children’s way can cause much impact to the children; I from small after the death of his parents saw how poor parents alone, has seen his mother actually very love him, very regret, not only express way. So I was the most severe depression, also dare not commit suicide, in order not to let parents sad.
later, my mother began to attitude change a lot, but there are still a few backward, is suddenly what all whatever I am, what I will do, as long as alive. So finally I did not go astray in life, the university entrance exam also admitted to a good school.
but we of the relationship between the fundamental transformation, or after when I was in college. Freshman year, I saw an article about Chinese and western differences, in the article, said the Chinese, there are things like suppress in mind while westerners tend to be speak out directly, but something just say it would be better, suddenly feel say is very right.
it’s the first time in his life away from home, feel like an adult, so that the Spring Festival when I come home, I summon up courage to ask. It is the first time we chatted openly, as a child never communicate with your parents, I am too agitated said while crying.
mother talk to me about his experiences as a child for the first time. She is the only one daughter home, that s preference for sons, have a meal also want to give son good, though learning very good mother, but I can’t let her maternal grandparents still go to college. So her heart special don’t want me to like her as a child, want to give me she think good things, hope I have the good life. This may be the typical mentality of many, many Chinese parents.
but at that time, she thought she had given me is what I need, I think she is to satisfy himself, two people long-term direct confrontation, unable to understand each other, hurt each other again.
the first time after the communication, we all understand each other’s heart is to love yourself, this became the precondition of further communication. My home is also very important, when we really separate for a long time, can calm down and careful analysis of the relationship between each other, and trapped in confrontation, easily sidetrack. And, my mind also slowly grow up, fewer years when impulse, willing to open to know each other’s ideas.
now actually sometimes she still can’t help but to do things for me without permission, but in the past, I only speak & other; I don’t want & throughout; , now I will be more patient and tell her how I want to, I hope. We bid farewell to the extreme to get along with mode gradually, and the beginning of all of this is to confirm the love each other, and are willing to understand each other.
mother apology although already can’t change the past damage to the impact of my life, but we have already settled. There is a classic lines is & other; We spend a lifetime waiting for parents to give us an apology, they spend a lifetime etc. We say thank you, and we are not wanted. Throughout the &; But my mother and I did thank you and apologize, I think it’s really good.
& other; They are neither superman, also not old, but the ordinary people like us & throughout;
ivysaur, female, 25,
I’m afraid my father as a child. He is a serious person, and not good at express emotion, so almost never hugged me, and occasionally have a beating. To see his father, my mother recalls, other kids will jump up, but I will hide behind to the mother. Sometimes I doubt, he just because good record will only be good to me. Alienation relationship lasted for many years, just like that. null